alanonmama











{May.16.2012}   Golf Buddies.

When we got married, going by the “Two Become One” verse, I thought we were meant to be one in everything.  I thought his family would be my new family; my family would be his family.  My friends would be our friends, etc…

Only thing was…. that I truly opened my heart to his family and friends.  I count his friends as some of my closest friends ever.  Up until the last year, I had assumed his family was my family.  I have spent so much time and effort demonstrating and serving them/him because of this belief (which led to my genuine feelings for them).  His family, as Alcoholics and Adult Children of Alcoholics, are not perfect.  They are not easy.  But, I understood that we don’t get to choose our family… and that they are simply very human. 

Now, 8 yrs into our marriage, I am waking up to realize that he does NOT feel that way about any of my friends.  Damn them.  He doesn’t feel that way about my family.  Even before he started drinking, he disrespected them, esp. my sister (but not to their face, thank God). 

I think it has a lot to do with the pain that getting close to his previous wife, Tiffany.  When their marriage started falling apart, the friends turned against and then away from him. Some of them sleeping with her.  She was adulterous and her family knew it.  Even though they loved and respected him, he had to let go of those relationships.  I can kinda “get” all that.  Probably there is some self-protection going on in our relationship and his with any of my friends’ and family.  I guess that’s his business, though.

After thinking about that, among other things, I realized we needed to let go of that notion.  The notion that we had to like each other’s friends and family.  I can’t make him feel the same way about mine.  I can go on loving his family… but now with a detachment that lets me love the good and leave the drama and worry behind.    I let him know, during a normal conversation that I thought we each need to nurture our own friendships.  I’m done with the notion that when you meet a new couple, the boys have to be friends and the wives have to be friends, too.  It’s ridiculous! 

 

So, I have gotten just what I (thought?) I wanted.  He has a new friend… a good-influence guy (though without kids or the understanding of parenthood), from church that he is spending a lot of time with.   They have taken up gold together.  Hugh is a natural athlete.  Anything he tries, he excels at.  They are in a class and Hugh is the second best even though it has been YEARS since he’s played.  He met a college hoops star and former NBA #1 draft pick at a bar the other day.  The guy invited him to play in a golf tournament on his team.   I’m find the positive reinforcement this brought as discouraging.  Certainly frustrating. I don’t want him comfortable… but who knows, maybe Hugh has been so depressed he needed something nice so he didn’t go jump off of a bridge.  He has been really depressed, but I can never tell how much is the A, how much is his life, how much is …etc… Point is, I never know where he is and how close to The Ledge he is standing. LET IT GO, Alice!

So, I find myself upset… because when I wanted him to get his own friends, and more of a life on his own, I didn’t think it would be in the form of GOLF.  Golf is annoying to me on so many levels.  1.) it is expensive, 2.) it takes up soo much of the day, 3.) I don’t “get” it.  I am annoyed with him and myself for denying the kids and I so very much, when clearly we have all the money that HE wants.  He has gotten a new car this year, spends TONS of money on alcohol and eating out, and now GOLF.  Just when I think I’m as annoyed with this as I will get, he came home the other day and announce he thought he was going to take some piano lessons.  Um…. Great. I am always on him about NOT playing and letting a God-Given talent like that go to waste, but GOSH, are they expensive! 

Here I am waffling about whether I can afford to buy my own copy of Paths to Recovery or not, because at $18, it is “So expensive.”  I have NO makeup left.  I am allergic (literally) to all the cheap stuff, so when I ran out I just didn’t buy anymore.  I WANT to, but I knew it wasn’t a priority.  He is CRAZY.  Or I am.  So, tomorrow I will book Son for some swim lessons, as they are a necessity, IMO.  He’s four and would easily drown in any water. I’ve been putting it off because he had told me that this month “was tight.” BULLCRAP.

Gosh, that took off on an unexpected tangent! 

He and his new buddy also plan to ride bikes together, which left me feeling quite lonely.  That’s always been “our” thing.  We haven’t gotten to ride in about 1.5 yrs, and I am DYING to take a ride.  It feels like he is cheating on me.  Silly, right?  Co-dependent, right?  (shrug)

I feel what I feel.  Just needed to express and document all this.

 



{May.15.2012}   Mother’s Day

We had a really nice Saturday.  Spent some time gaming, hanging out with my friends (and he was cordial).  Hugh got a phone call from a former NBA pro (that he met at a bar) inviting him to play in a golf tournament with him. So, he was in a great mood. I met some people who shared my natural birth and attachment parenting views.  It was nice not to be the freak. 🙂

Sunday, however, I woke up irritated.  Hugh has started this, “Ask your Momma,” crap about EVERYTHING my kids ask of him.  It’s UBER annoying.  Kids wants want a book read? “Ask Your Momma.”  Son wants a snack?  He can be standing in the kitchen with him and I can be on the other side of the house, “Go ask your Mamma.”  Aaaah!  I am letting it drive me BONKERS.  So I wake up to hear Son ask, “Dad, can you transform (his toy) this?” “No, but Mama can.”  Which set me off be off because I can’t.  I had tried the night before, but evidently, I need a class on how to do it.  I can’t figure out how to transform the thing from a jet to a robotman and back again.  Grrr! I just don’t know how to deal with this.  It’s so unfair!  It would be easier if he wasn’t here, in that one respect.  I mind doing everything less than I mind him dodging responsibility left and right.  I mentioned to him, after Son left the room, that I was super annoyed with all of this.  He responded that since I want to control what ds eats and everything else.

To top it off, he had told me the day before that I needed to “work Mother’s Day around my bike ride.”  He had made plans with a friend to go bike riding on mother’s day.  This isn’t part of our routine… He hasn’t ridden since the fall, and he decides the day to start is Mother’s Day. REALLY?

So, I was grouchy, but most so because of my failure to be able to use the AlaTools 😉 to deal with this.  I got on one of the Mother’s Day PhoneBridge meetings.  It felt helpful.  I decided that I’m not his Mama, so it really is HIS business what he does with the day… At the same time, I can feel disappointed  because that is honest.  I tried to just focus on what I was going to do for MY mother.  BUT, within minutes he comes back and gets all over me, in a very nasty tone with exaggerated gestures.  I got sucked right in.  Then I got unreasonable and irritated.  I started growling at the him, the kids, etc.. It was not pretty.  Then I had to suck it up and go to church like that.  SUCKED.  God KICKED MY BUTT, for which I am grateful.  Humbled, I returned home with my family, ready to try and have a good day. I mentioned to dh that I was a bit irritated that he was going out on mother’s day.  I also told him I didn’t know if it was right of me to ask him not to go, but that I felt like that.  He rescheduled.  I felt a bit odd about it, but he assured me he was fine with it.  Maybe the church service kicked him too?

We had a great rest of the day… Even though I had to do 100% of the housework to prepare for company.  Hugh DID fix my mother a special (labor intensive) meal.  I am grateful for it.  The rest of it… by the wayside I suppose.    In the end, I was glad of the time he spent with us and the time I spent with my mother.

The next morning, my husband confessed he was upset that I had been able to clean up the house so quickly and nicely for my mother, but not for him.

I told him that I hadn’t.  I’d done it for me.  I also encouraged him to consider that it was easy to clean quickly because I had been keeping on top of things.  A lot more than he thinks.  The truth is, it would have taken ALL DAY to get it to that place before I found the housekeeping program that works for me (motivatedmoms).   I let him know that I even had time to clean the drawers in the fridge before they came over.  That kinda leisure time would not have been found before nor would I have even thought to do it at all.    I KNOW I am making progress.  THAT feels great. 🙂   I understand that because of his disease he isn’t able to notice or think clearly about anyone or anything right now.  My progress escapes him.  I think, for now, I am frozen in his mind as a disappointment and source of pain for him.  He can’t see me differently for more than an instant here or there.  I am more okay with that today than B4 AlAnon, because I understand that it’s more important what I think and feel about myself.

Mother’s Day has to be hard on him, too… he has such complicated feelings about his A mother.

Happy..Happy.. Mother's Day :-)..

Happy..Happy.. Mother’s Day :-).. (Photo credit: Thai Jasmine (Smile..smile…Smile..))



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