{May.17.2012}   Glimpses

Every now and then, Hugh (my qualifier) and I take off our masks and we each get a glimpse of “The REAL Me” inside each one.
We spent the day with at my mom’s with her, my dad, and aunt. On these days, I attend my F2F meeting. It was a good one on choices.
We got home at bedtime (on time). The kids went right to bed.
Dh had been playing our online game for a while by the time I was ready to join him. I knew that we are, temporarily, at a place where we cannot play together without him facing a penalty. So, I put on my big (autonomous) girl panties on and let them (our buddy he was playing w) know that I would be playing on my own while they get work on their stuff. Had I not, they would have insisted I come with, but each would have resented it a little. Too clingy! So, being the mighty warrior I am (play), I went and ran a few quests by myself, and I did great! :). I wasn’t left out, because we still chatted as we played different parts of the game. We each got to see after our own “needs”. That’s a step up for me. For hours he debated aloud making “a beer run,” but didn’t.

Anyway…. We played. Then I got tired so I came here and blogged. Then I caught up on some Alanon backlog. Then I decided to drift off to sleep. That’s when my dear A husband came out to get a snack. Afterwards, insteaD of going back to game more, he came and Snuggled himself down beside me in the recliner. He pulled me close. Tucked my hair behind my ear, rubbed back, looked in to my eyes, SMILED at me…. Touched me… In a totally platonic type of way. I hadn’t been touched that way, in platonic kindness, for a very long long time. I let the words escape that I forgot how much I liked to be touched…. How good it felt to be touched as an end, not a means to one. We layed like that, looking, touching, feeling for over an hour. We went to sleep. Later, we woke up and started kissing… Something he very rarely does with me. It’s been over 6 years since we have “made out”. Even when we had my very first ever (awesome) make up sex, back in April, I we still didn’t kiss.
This time we did. A lot. He was kind and giving. He Didn’t smell like A. He took care of my needs first. Whoa. We made love. Really made love. We woke up snuggly, blushing, and giggling. Both of us. Now THAT is the man I married. It was my CHOICE. Today I am being careful not to be to clingy or fall into thinking things are better/fixed. For me, this is the “taking luck as it comes” part of that Just For Today poem.

Boy, life is complicated.


{May.16.2012}   Golf Buddies.

When we got married, going by the “Two Become One” verse, I thought we were meant to be one in everything.  I thought his family would be my new family; my family would be his family.  My friends would be our friends, etc…

Only thing was…. that I truly opened my heart to his family and friends.  I count his friends as some of my closest friends ever.  Up until the last year, I had assumed his family was my family.  I have spent so much time and effort demonstrating and serving them/him because of this belief (which led to my genuine feelings for them).  His family, as Alcoholics and Adult Children of Alcoholics, are not perfect.  They are not easy.  But, I understood that we don’t get to choose our family… and that they are simply very human. 

Now, 8 yrs into our marriage, I am waking up to realize that he does NOT feel that way about any of my friends.  Damn them.  He doesn’t feel that way about my family.  Even before he started drinking, he disrespected them, esp. my sister (but not to their face, thank God). 

I think it has a lot to do with the pain that getting close to his previous wife, Tiffany.  When their marriage started falling apart, the friends turned against and then away from him. Some of them sleeping with her.  She was adulterous and her family knew it.  Even though they loved and respected him, he had to let go of those relationships.  I can kinda “get” all that.  Probably there is some self-protection going on in our relationship and his with any of my friends’ and family.  I guess that’s his business, though.

After thinking about that, among other things, I realized we needed to let go of that notion.  The notion that we had to like each other’s friends and family.  I can’t make him feel the same way about mine.  I can go on loving his family… but now with a detachment that lets me love the good and leave the drama and worry behind.    I let him know, during a normal conversation that I thought we each need to nurture our own friendships.  I’m done with the notion that when you meet a new couple, the boys have to be friends and the wives have to be friends, too.  It’s ridiculous! 


So, I have gotten just what I (thought?) I wanted.  He has a new friend… a good-influence guy (though without kids or the understanding of parenthood), from church that he is spending a lot of time with.   They have taken up gold together.  Hugh is a natural athlete.  Anything he tries, he excels at.  They are in a class and Hugh is the second best even though it has been YEARS since he’s played.  He met a college hoops star and former NBA #1 draft pick at a bar the other day.  The guy invited him to play in a golf tournament on his team.   I’m find the positive reinforcement this brought as discouraging.  Certainly frustrating. I don’t want him comfortable… but who knows, maybe Hugh has been so depressed he needed something nice so he didn’t go jump off of a bridge.  He has been really depressed, but I can never tell how much is the A, how much is his life, how much is …etc… Point is, I never know where he is and how close to The Ledge he is standing. LET IT GO, Alice!

So, I find myself upset… because when I wanted him to get his own friends, and more of a life on his own, I didn’t think it would be in the form of GOLF.  Golf is annoying to me on so many levels.  1.) it is expensive, 2.) it takes up soo much of the day, 3.) I don’t “get” it.  I am annoyed with him and myself for denying the kids and I so very much, when clearly we have all the money that HE wants.  He has gotten a new car this year, spends TONS of money on alcohol and eating out, and now GOLF.  Just when I think I’m as annoyed with this as I will get, he came home the other day and announce he thought he was going to take some piano lessons.  Um…. Great. I am always on him about NOT playing and letting a God-Given talent like that go to waste, but GOSH, are they expensive! 

Here I am waffling about whether I can afford to buy my own copy of Paths to Recovery or not, because at $18, it is “So expensive.”  I have NO makeup left.  I am allergic (literally) to all the cheap stuff, so when I ran out I just didn’t buy anymore.  I WANT to, but I knew it wasn’t a priority.  He is CRAZY.  Or I am.  So, tomorrow I will book Son for some swim lessons, as they are a necessity, IMO.  He’s four and would easily drown in any water. I’ve been putting it off because he had told me that this month “was tight.” BULLCRAP.

Gosh, that took off on an unexpected tangent! 

He and his new buddy also plan to ride bikes together, which left me feeling quite lonely.  That’s always been “our” thing.  We haven’t gotten to ride in about 1.5 yrs, and I am DYING to take a ride.  It feels like he is cheating on me.  Silly, right?  Co-dependent, right?  (shrug)

I feel what I feel.  Just needed to express and document all this.


{May.15.2012}   Mother’s Day

We had a really nice Saturday.  Spent some time gaming, hanging out with my friends (and he was cordial).  Hugh got a phone call from a former NBA pro (that he met at a bar) inviting him to play in a golf tournament with him. So, he was in a great mood. I met some people who shared my natural birth and attachment parenting views.  It was nice not to be the freak. 🙂

Sunday, however, I woke up irritated.  Hugh has started this, “Ask your Momma,” crap about EVERYTHING my kids ask of him.  It’s UBER annoying.  Kids wants want a book read? “Ask Your Momma.”  Son wants a snack?  He can be standing in the kitchen with him and I can be on the other side of the house, “Go ask your Mamma.”  Aaaah!  I am letting it drive me BONKERS.  So I wake up to hear Son ask, “Dad, can you transform (his toy) this?” “No, but Mama can.”  Which set me off be off because I can’t.  I had tried the night before, but evidently, I need a class on how to do it.  I can’t figure out how to transform the thing from a jet to a robotman and back again.  Grrr! I just don’t know how to deal with this.  It’s so unfair!  It would be easier if he wasn’t here, in that one respect.  I mind doing everything less than I mind him dodging responsibility left and right.  I mentioned to him, after Son left the room, that I was super annoyed with all of this.  He responded that since I want to control what ds eats and everything else.

To top it off, he had told me the day before that I needed to “work Mother’s Day around my bike ride.”  He had made plans with a friend to go bike riding on mother’s day.  This isn’t part of our routine… He hasn’t ridden since the fall, and he decides the day to start is Mother’s Day. REALLY?

So, I was grouchy, but most so because of my failure to be able to use the AlaTools 😉 to deal with this.  I got on one of the Mother’s Day PhoneBridge meetings.  It felt helpful.  I decided that I’m not his Mama, so it really is HIS business what he does with the day… At the same time, I can feel disappointed  because that is honest.  I tried to just focus on what I was going to do for MY mother.  BUT, within minutes he comes back and gets all over me, in a very nasty tone with exaggerated gestures.  I got sucked right in.  Then I got unreasonable and irritated.  I started growling at the him, the kids, etc.. It was not pretty.  Then I had to suck it up and go to church like that.  SUCKED.  God KICKED MY BUTT, for which I am grateful.  Humbled, I returned home with my family, ready to try and have a good day. I mentioned to dh that I was a bit irritated that he was going out on mother’s day.  I also told him I didn’t know if it was right of me to ask him not to go, but that I felt like that.  He rescheduled.  I felt a bit odd about it, but he assured me he was fine with it.  Maybe the church service kicked him too?

We had a great rest of the day… Even though I had to do 100% of the housework to prepare for company.  Hugh DID fix my mother a special (labor intensive) meal.  I am grateful for it.  The rest of it… by the wayside I suppose.    In the end, I was glad of the time he spent with us and the time I spent with my mother.

The next morning, my husband confessed he was upset that I had been able to clean up the house so quickly and nicely for my mother, but not for him.

I told him that I hadn’t.  I’d done it for me.  I also encouraged him to consider that it was easy to clean quickly because I had been keeping on top of things.  A lot more than he thinks.  The truth is, it would have taken ALL DAY to get it to that place before I found the housekeeping program that works for me (motivatedmoms).   I let him know that I even had time to clean the drawers in the fridge before they came over.  That kinda leisure time would not have been found before nor would I have even thought to do it at all.    I KNOW I am making progress.  THAT feels great. 🙂   I understand that because of his disease he isn’t able to notice or think clearly about anyone or anything right now.  My progress escapes him.  I think, for now, I am frozen in his mind as a disappointment and source of pain for him.  He can’t see me differently for more than an instant here or there.  I am more okay with that today than B4 AlAnon, because I understand that it’s more important what I think and feel about myself.

Mother’s Day has to be hard on him, too… he has such complicated feelings about his A mother.

Happy..Happy.. Mother's Day :-)..

Happy..Happy.. Mother’s Day :-).. (Photo credit: Thai Jasmine (…Smile..))

{April.24.2012}   conflicted

Yeah, I knew it. He went out and drank with a business buddy (who has played a part in a crisis before). Then, he came for less than an hour and went right back out to get a pack of beer (roll eyes).

So how did I do?

Not stellar, but not a complete failure, either

I am finding two things really difficult.

1.) I am still finding myself angry at his choice to start drinking way back when. I am having a hard time really committing to heart that this isn’t a choice. It’s harder than I thought, because for so long he has been telling me he has control over it. It’s his choice (so that I can’t boss him around), etc…

2.) I’m having a hard time knowing what to do/how to feel/be when his drinking interferes unfairly with the kids’ and my activities.


He left to go to work on a job at 3pm. I was being very productive around the house and with our children’s schooling. A full day of preschool and a full list with everything checked off by the end of my “work day.” I had been looking forward to a reward of playing our online game with him, as a reward to myself for such a stellar day. My AH had asked me to defrost these massive steaks we’d been hoarding. I had pulled them out the night before and told him so. I call him at 5pm to get an ETA, though, I guess I knew (based on his cohort) he probably was out drinking. He says, “Oh, honey! I am out with Mr. B eating.” I remind him of the steaks and he feels a bit stupid, but unwilling to change his plans (which feels like a big “Screw you, wife and kids!”). He promises to be home before the kid’s bedtime to fix the steaks. I let him know that I would have to find something other to eat because the kids and I were hungry. I hang up. YEAH RIGHT! I know what would happen if if he did come home on time- he would grill them to hot/fast and then have to finish them in the oven and it would take another hour past the kids bedtime to eat. I starting thinking, frustrated, and realized I had never cooked a steak (or much of anything else) on a grill by myself. I realized I wasn’t as frustrated with his drinking (I’m doing pretty good at giving that to him and God), as I was with my helplessness. So… I googled how to use a propane grill. I also read how to cook the perfect steaks. I did it- and I even ended up with at least one of them being perfectly medium rare. AWESOMENESS. 🙂 I sent him a pic and told him not to worry about dinner. He could cook his steak (I dind’t want to mess it up- it’s a rare 2.5″ er for us) whenever he wanted. He promised to be home by bedtime. I didn’t count on it, and had the kids routine finished 1/2hr late. I proceeded to put them to bed (they have to go at the same time or one will wake the other up). Just as the baby fell asleep he strode in, noisy and annoying. I was “cool”/nonchalant about his drinking, but a bit irritated that my nearly asleep babe is now waving hi to dad and excited out of it. Then, he quickly finished putting the boy to bed. I once again, just get the babe to sleep and he comes stomping through headed to go get beer. The sound of him leaving most certainly wakes a not-quite asleep baby. When this happens, it becomes difficult for me. Baby has nursed herself full, but didn’t fall asleep. She’s teething, so would like to nurse herself to sleep, but if and when she tries, her belly gets uncomfortably full and then she can’t and gets fussy, etc… etc… etc… which makes me want to SCREAM because it HURTS to nurse for 3 hours. I was irritated. He ended up playing with someone else (an old BAD influence buddy), and, when I got baby down finally at 10:30 (3.5 hrs late), I felt really cheated. It was hard not to feel upset.

Today Today the kids are sick. It’s Tuesday. My meeting is Wednesday. I’m not sure how/if I can make it. We’ll see

{April.21.2012}   First efforts

Today, I tried very hard to be happy for today. To do my best not to think ahead. When my alcoholic husband (AH) celebrated a success at work, I congratulated him with kindness. When I cooked dinner, I didn’t sweat it when he said he wanted to go to the bar to drink and eat wings to celebrate. Even though the kids and I arent feeling well. I just said, “if that’s what you want to do….” and when he pressed, suspicious, “its your life, I am not going to control you, whatever you want to do, do it. Be safe, I love you.”. To which he chuckled and said, “hmmm… That’s weird… Okay.”. It took him an hour of waffling back and forth to decide that he was going. He was so confused by it all. When it was apparent he was leaving, I asked him to give the kids a snuggle. He did, then hug and kissed them goodbye. He paused and said sulkily, “I don’t suppose you want one to,” and turned to leave. I corrected him that I did, which was met with further surprise. I gave him a very tender hug and kiss. Assuming it may be our last. I genuinely felt sympathy for the choice he was making, and sadness and empathy that he is so very sick. I honestly realize how SICK I am. This disease has brought me to the brink of crazy. While t would be difficult to find anyone to corroborate with me that AH is an alcoholic, there are oh, so many witnesses to how crazy I had
Become. Seriously.
So… Here I am. On a Friday night, alone. He has been away tonight for three hours. He is in our only working, new car. He has the only car seats with him. He is about 5 miles from home. He may hit and kill someone tonight… Maybe a child. He may get into trouble and go to jail or a body bag. He may make it home only to wet the bed.

What makes tonight different is, that at least for tonight, I have honestly released responsibility for any of that. I must believe that God will take care of us, some how, in some way, no matter what. I really am okay… Because tonight, I have met the needs of my children. I even made them feel extra special. I have taken time for myself. And I have admitted I have no control over people or places, or situations. I only have to make it one more day like this. I am going to bed in my room, with the kids, instead of staying up late or leaving my boy in his room to have to deal with an incoherent daddy when he calls out in the night. I am not staying up late to worry. I will not be calling the hospitals. I will be safe, in my room, with my kids, my dogs, and My God.
I have a feather of hope.

et cetera