alanonmama











{May.17.2012}   Glimpses

Every now and then, Hugh (my qualifier) and I take off our masks and we each get a glimpse of “The REAL Me” inside each one.
We spent the day with at my mom’s with her, my dad, and aunt. On these days, I attend my F2F meeting. It was a good one on choices.
We got home at bedtime (on time). The kids went right to bed.
Dh had been playing our online game for a while by the time I was ready to join him. I knew that we are, temporarily, at a place where we cannot play together without him facing a penalty. So, I put on my big (autonomous) girl panties on and let them (our buddy he was playing w) know that I would be playing on my own while they get work on their stuff. Had I not, they would have insisted I come with, but each would have resented it a little. Too clingy! So, being the mighty warrior I am (play), I went and ran a few quests by myself, and I did great! :). I wasn’t left out, because we still chatted as we played different parts of the game. We each got to see after our own “needs”. That’s a step up for me. For hours he debated aloud making “a beer run,” but didn’t.

Anyway…. We played. Then I got tired so I came here and blogged. Then I caught up on some Alanon backlog. Then I decided to drift off to sleep. That’s when my dear A husband came out to get a snack. Afterwards, insteaD of going back to game more, he came and Snuggled himself down beside me in the recliner. He pulled me close. Tucked my hair behind my ear, rubbed back, looked in to my eyes, SMILED at me…. Touched me… In a totally platonic type of way. I hadn’t been touched that way, in platonic kindness, for a very long long time. I let the words escape that I forgot how much I liked to be touched…. How good it felt to be touched as an end, not a means to one. We layed like that, looking, touching, feeling for over an hour. We went to sleep. Later, we woke up and started kissing… Something he very rarely does with me. It’s been over 6 years since we have “made out”. Even when we had my very first ever (awesome) make up sex, back in April, I we still didn’t kiss.
This time we did. A lot. He was kind and giving. He Didn’t smell like A. He took care of my needs first. Whoa. We made love. Really made love. We woke up snuggly, blushing, and giggling. Both of us. Now THAT is the man I married. It was my CHOICE. Today I am being careful not to be to clingy or fall into thinking things are better/fixed. For me, this is the “taking luck as it comes” part of that Just For Today poem.

Boy, life is complicated.

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{April.24.2012}   conflicted

Yeah, I knew it. He went out and drank with a business buddy (who has played a part in a crisis before). Then, he came for less than an hour and went right back out to get a pack of beer (roll eyes).

So how did I do?

Not stellar, but not a complete failure, either

I am finding two things really difficult.

1.) I am still finding myself angry at his choice to start drinking way back when. I am having a hard time really committing to heart that this isn’t a choice. It’s harder than I thought, because for so long he has been telling me he has control over it. It’s his choice (so that I can’t boss him around), etc…

2.) I’m having a hard time knowing what to do/how to feel/be when his drinking interferes unfairly with the kids’ and my activities.

;

He left to go to work on a job at 3pm. I was being very productive around the house and with our children’s schooling. A full day of preschool and a full list with everything checked off by the end of my “work day.” I had been looking forward to a reward of playing our online game with him, as a reward to myself for such a stellar day. My AH had asked me to defrost these massive steaks we’d been hoarding. I had pulled them out the night before and told him so. I call him at 5pm to get an ETA, though, I guess I knew (based on his cohort) he probably was out drinking. He says, “Oh, honey! I am out with Mr. B eating.” I remind him of the steaks and he feels a bit stupid, but unwilling to change his plans (which feels like a big “Screw you, wife and kids!”). He promises to be home before the kid’s bedtime to fix the steaks. I let him know that I would have to find something other to eat because the kids and I were hungry. I hang up. YEAH RIGHT! I know what would happen if if he did come home on time- he would grill them to hot/fast and then have to finish them in the oven and it would take another hour past the kids bedtime to eat. I starting thinking, frustrated, and realized I had never cooked a steak (or much of anything else) on a grill by myself. I realized I wasn’t as frustrated with his drinking (I’m doing pretty good at giving that to him and God), as I was with my helplessness. So… I googled how to use a propane grill. I also read how to cook the perfect steaks. I did it- and I even ended up with at least one of them being perfectly medium rare. AWESOMENESS. 🙂 I sent him a pic and told him not to worry about dinner. He could cook his steak (I dind’t want to mess it up- it’s a rare 2.5″ er for us) whenever he wanted. He promised to be home by bedtime. I didn’t count on it, and had the kids routine finished 1/2hr late. I proceeded to put them to bed (they have to go at the same time or one will wake the other up). Just as the baby fell asleep he strode in, noisy and annoying. I was “cool”/nonchalant about his drinking, but a bit irritated that my nearly asleep babe is now waving hi to dad and excited out of it. Then, he quickly finished putting the boy to bed. I once again, just get the babe to sleep and he comes stomping through headed to go get beer. The sound of him leaving most certainly wakes a not-quite asleep baby. When this happens, it becomes difficult for me. Baby has nursed herself full, but didn’t fall asleep. She’s teething, so would like to nurse herself to sleep, but if and when she tries, her belly gets uncomfortably full and then she can’t and gets fussy, etc… etc… etc… which makes me want to SCREAM because it HURTS to nurse for 3 hours. I was irritated. He ended up playing with someone else (an old BAD influence buddy), and, when I got baby down finally at 10:30 (3.5 hrs late), I felt really cheated. It was hard not to feel upset.

Today Today the kids are sick. It’s Tuesday. My meeting is Wednesday. I’m not sure how/if I can make it. We’ll see



{April.21.2012}   First efforts

Today, I tried very hard to be happy for today. To do my best not to think ahead. When my alcoholic husband (AH) celebrated a success at work, I congratulated him with kindness. When I cooked dinner, I didn’t sweat it when he said he wanted to go to the bar to drink and eat wings to celebrate. Even though the kids and I arent feeling well. I just said, “if that’s what you want to do….” and when he pressed, suspicious, “its your life, I am not going to control you, whatever you want to do, do it. Be safe, I love you.”. To which he chuckled and said, “hmmm… That’s weird… Okay.”. It took him an hour of waffling back and forth to decide that he was going. He was so confused by it all. When it was apparent he was leaving, I asked him to give the kids a snuggle. He did, then hug and kissed them goodbye. He paused and said sulkily, “I don’t suppose you want one to,” and turned to leave. I corrected him that I did, which was met with further surprise. I gave him a very tender hug and kiss. Assuming it may be our last. I genuinely felt sympathy for the choice he was making, and sadness and empathy that he is so very sick. I honestly realize how SICK I am. This disease has brought me to the brink of crazy. While t would be difficult to find anyone to corroborate with me that AH is an alcoholic, there are oh, so many witnesses to how crazy I had
Become. Seriously.
So… Here I am. On a Friday night, alone. He has been away tonight for three hours. He is in our only working, new car. He has the only car seats with him. He is about 5 miles from home. He may hit and kill someone tonight… Maybe a child. He may get into trouble and go to jail or a body bag. He may make it home only to wet the bed.

What makes tonight different is, that at least for tonight, I have honestly released responsibility for any of that. I must believe that God will take care of us, some how, in some way, no matter what. I really am okay… Because tonight, I have met the needs of my children. I even made them feel extra special. I have taken time for myself. And I have admitted I have no control over people or places, or situations. I only have to make it one more day like this. I am going to bed in my room, with the kids, instead of staying up late or leaving my boy in his room to have to deal with an incoherent daddy when he calls out in the night. I am not staying up late to worry. I will not be calling the hospitals. I will be safe, in my room, with my kids, my dogs, and My God.
I have a feather of hope.
Goodnight.



et cetera