{May.23.2012}   Still here

I’m still here…

Last week was… rough.  This week… well, TODAY, I am feeling better.  I feel lighter.  None of this is easy.  What I think I am “hearing” when I listen to my HP, is to slow down- Easy Does It.  I am also hearing the NEED for a sponsor.  I can’t do this alone.

I still am having doubts here and there.  There are so many people who believe AA and AlAnon to be cults.  I think I am at the point where I just don’t care.  I will be mindful to keep myself aligned with The One True God and my Savior, Jesus Christ, to the best of my ability, while using the program to better my life.

I’m looking forward to tomorrow’s meeting.  If I don’t pick a sponsor then at my F2F meeting, then I will ask someone in my online group.


{May.16.2012}   Golf Buddies.

When we got married, going by the “Two Become One” verse, I thought we were meant to be one in everything.  I thought his family would be my new family; my family would be his family.  My friends would be our friends, etc…

Only thing was…. that I truly opened my heart to his family and friends.  I count his friends as some of my closest friends ever.  Up until the last year, I had assumed his family was my family.  I have spent so much time and effort demonstrating and serving them/him because of this belief (which led to my genuine feelings for them).  His family, as Alcoholics and Adult Children of Alcoholics, are not perfect.  They are not easy.  But, I understood that we don’t get to choose our family… and that they are simply very human. 

Now, 8 yrs into our marriage, I am waking up to realize that he does NOT feel that way about any of my friends.  Damn them.  He doesn’t feel that way about my family.  Even before he started drinking, he disrespected them, esp. my sister (but not to their face, thank God). 

I think it has a lot to do with the pain that getting close to his previous wife, Tiffany.  When their marriage started falling apart, the friends turned against and then away from him. Some of them sleeping with her.  She was adulterous and her family knew it.  Even though they loved and respected him, he had to let go of those relationships.  I can kinda “get” all that.  Probably there is some self-protection going on in our relationship and his with any of my friends’ and family.  I guess that’s his business, though.

After thinking about that, among other things, I realized we needed to let go of that notion.  The notion that we had to like each other’s friends and family.  I can’t make him feel the same way about mine.  I can go on loving his family… but now with a detachment that lets me love the good and leave the drama and worry behind.    I let him know, during a normal conversation that I thought we each need to nurture our own friendships.  I’m done with the notion that when you meet a new couple, the boys have to be friends and the wives have to be friends, too.  It’s ridiculous! 


So, I have gotten just what I (thought?) I wanted.  He has a new friend… a good-influence guy (though without kids or the understanding of parenthood), from church that he is spending a lot of time with.   They have taken up gold together.  Hugh is a natural athlete.  Anything he tries, he excels at.  They are in a class and Hugh is the second best even though it has been YEARS since he’s played.  He met a college hoops star and former NBA #1 draft pick at a bar the other day.  The guy invited him to play in a golf tournament on his team.   I’m find the positive reinforcement this brought as discouraging.  Certainly frustrating. I don’t want him comfortable… but who knows, maybe Hugh has been so depressed he needed something nice so he didn’t go jump off of a bridge.  He has been really depressed, but I can never tell how much is the A, how much is his life, how much is …etc… Point is, I never know where he is and how close to The Ledge he is standing. LET IT GO, Alice!

So, I find myself upset… because when I wanted him to get his own friends, and more of a life on his own, I didn’t think it would be in the form of GOLF.  Golf is annoying to me on so many levels.  1.) it is expensive, 2.) it takes up soo much of the day, 3.) I don’t “get” it.  I am annoyed with him and myself for denying the kids and I so very much, when clearly we have all the money that HE wants.  He has gotten a new car this year, spends TONS of money on alcohol and eating out, and now GOLF.  Just when I think I’m as annoyed with this as I will get, he came home the other day and announce he thought he was going to take some piano lessons.  Um…. Great. I am always on him about NOT playing and letting a God-Given talent like that go to waste, but GOSH, are they expensive! 

Here I am waffling about whether I can afford to buy my own copy of Paths to Recovery or not, because at $18, it is “So expensive.”  I have NO makeup left.  I am allergic (literally) to all the cheap stuff, so when I ran out I just didn’t buy anymore.  I WANT to, but I knew it wasn’t a priority.  He is CRAZY.  Or I am.  So, tomorrow I will book Son for some swim lessons, as they are a necessity, IMO.  He’s four and would easily drown in any water. I’ve been putting it off because he had told me that this month “was tight.” BULLCRAP.

Gosh, that took off on an unexpected tangent! 

He and his new buddy also plan to ride bikes together, which left me feeling quite lonely.  That’s always been “our” thing.  We haven’t gotten to ride in about 1.5 yrs, and I am DYING to take a ride.  It feels like he is cheating on me.  Silly, right?  Co-dependent, right?  (shrug)

I feel what I feel.  Just needed to express and document all this.


{May.15.2012}   Mother’s Day

We had a really nice Saturday.  Spent some time gaming, hanging out with my friends (and he was cordial).  Hugh got a phone call from a former NBA pro (that he met at a bar) inviting him to play in a golf tournament with him. So, he was in a great mood. I met some people who shared my natural birth and attachment parenting views.  It was nice not to be the freak. 🙂

Sunday, however, I woke up irritated.  Hugh has started this, “Ask your Momma,” crap about EVERYTHING my kids ask of him.  It’s UBER annoying.  Kids wants want a book read? “Ask Your Momma.”  Son wants a snack?  He can be standing in the kitchen with him and I can be on the other side of the house, “Go ask your Mamma.”  Aaaah!  I am letting it drive me BONKERS.  So I wake up to hear Son ask, “Dad, can you transform (his toy) this?” “No, but Mama can.”  Which set me off be off because I can’t.  I had tried the night before, but evidently, I need a class on how to do it.  I can’t figure out how to transform the thing from a jet to a robotman and back again.  Grrr! I just don’t know how to deal with this.  It’s so unfair!  It would be easier if he wasn’t here, in that one respect.  I mind doing everything less than I mind him dodging responsibility left and right.  I mentioned to him, after Son left the room, that I was super annoyed with all of this.  He responded that since I want to control what ds eats and everything else.

To top it off, he had told me the day before that I needed to “work Mother’s Day around my bike ride.”  He had made plans with a friend to go bike riding on mother’s day.  This isn’t part of our routine… He hasn’t ridden since the fall, and he decides the day to start is Mother’s Day. REALLY?

So, I was grouchy, but most so because of my failure to be able to use the AlaTools 😉 to deal with this.  I got on one of the Mother’s Day PhoneBridge meetings.  It felt helpful.  I decided that I’m not his Mama, so it really is HIS business what he does with the day… At the same time, I can feel disappointed  because that is honest.  I tried to just focus on what I was going to do for MY mother.  BUT, within minutes he comes back and gets all over me, in a very nasty tone with exaggerated gestures.  I got sucked right in.  Then I got unreasonable and irritated.  I started growling at the him, the kids, etc.. It was not pretty.  Then I had to suck it up and go to church like that.  SUCKED.  God KICKED MY BUTT, for which I am grateful.  Humbled, I returned home with my family, ready to try and have a good day. I mentioned to dh that I was a bit irritated that he was going out on mother’s day.  I also told him I didn’t know if it was right of me to ask him not to go, but that I felt like that.  He rescheduled.  I felt a bit odd about it, but he assured me he was fine with it.  Maybe the church service kicked him too?

We had a great rest of the day… Even though I had to do 100% of the housework to prepare for company.  Hugh DID fix my mother a special (labor intensive) meal.  I am grateful for it.  The rest of it… by the wayside I suppose.    In the end, I was glad of the time he spent with us and the time I spent with my mother.

The next morning, my husband confessed he was upset that I had been able to clean up the house so quickly and nicely for my mother, but not for him.

I told him that I hadn’t.  I’d done it for me.  I also encouraged him to consider that it was easy to clean quickly because I had been keeping on top of things.  A lot more than he thinks.  The truth is, it would have taken ALL DAY to get it to that place before I found the housekeeping program that works for me (motivatedmoms).   I let him know that I even had time to clean the drawers in the fridge before they came over.  That kinda leisure time would not have been found before nor would I have even thought to do it at all.    I KNOW I am making progress.  THAT feels great. 🙂   I understand that because of his disease he isn’t able to notice or think clearly about anyone or anything right now.  My progress escapes him.  I think, for now, I am frozen in his mind as a disappointment and source of pain for him.  He can’t see me differently for more than an instant here or there.  I am more okay with that today than B4 AlAnon, because I understand that it’s more important what I think and feel about myself.

Mother’s Day has to be hard on him, too… he has such complicated feelings about his A mother.

Happy..Happy.. Mother's Day :-)..

Happy..Happy.. Mother’s Day :-).. (Photo credit: Thai Jasmine (…Smile..))

{May.12.2012}   Friday

I had a hard time this morning with boundaries.  I often let my husband dictate when, where, and how we (meaning I) do something. I realized today the reason and my spirit rebelled at it.  I “jump to” because I want his help on projects and tasks.  I fear if I don’t “jump” then he will abandon the task and say, he “tried” but I resisted.  Truth is, it IS likely that he will write it off if I don’t immediately say, do, or even at times feel, as he does immediately.  It’s really unhealthy… for both of us!  I tried to set a boundary to day when he asked me to do something (now) on a whim even though I had company over.  I started bitching at him, but then reigned it in.  I DID end up doing it… but don’t think all was lost because I ended up with all these feelings I was able to process and try and identify their root(s). 

I am grateful for today. I came home 98% sure that he took the day off AGAIN and hit a bar before bringing a 6 pack home.  It stunk, but I somehow remained kind and thoughtful.  I also was able to take my luck as it came.  I enjoyed the day and the night… even after he had passed out.

I’m off to bed while feeling serine. Goodnight all. 


The very same day that I went to my first AlAnon meeting, I found this shirt at a thrift shop. Um…. Hello, could it have been any more perfect for me at this point in my life?

{May.10.2012}   Timely guidence

I am noticing, that very often, we find exactly what we are in need of in the program.  There has yet to be a meeting where I felt like I couldn’t deeply identify with the topic at hand.

Last night was no different.  I was, as I said, in a bad place.  I tried reaching out to some members in my home group, but the timing was poor.  A fruitless search.  I looked at the time and realized I could get in on a teleconference meeting.  The Alanon phone bridge is definitely a blessing.  If you every try one meeting and have disappointing results, I encourage you to try a different time/day/topic, or even just try the same one next time.  I’ve had really mixed results regarding the format and easy or unease of leadership, but that’s part of having a volunteer program and so very many people gathering on a phone line together (my largest meeting so far had seventy people on at once).  

 Anyhoo… I jumped on just in time for introductions and to hear the bulk of the meeting.  They read from How Alanon Works, which I bought a week ago, but forgot to bring home.  They asked for a suggested topic and the two biggest things I was struggling with were up for vote: acceptance and personal boundaries/detachment. I voted for detachment.  It was very, very, very helpful and I can’t wait to get a hold of my copy to re-read it.  If I recall correctly, it was ch. 11, pg. 82 or somewhere nearby.   I guess I am back at step one again.  I am having heart-doubts that my A husband isn’t intending to be so careless and hurtful.  The meeting seemed to tell me it’s okay to HATE the disease, but not the A.  I was feeling like it was WRONG of me to feel angry, scared, resentful, etc.. BUT I am learning that honesty about our feelings IS important.  Who and Why we share them, is what matters.  I heard the Acronym “THINK” for the first time.  Image

I think it will help me to find out when to share with him how I feel about something that has happened and when to find another outlet for that.  I can’t articulate a lot of what I am feeling and thinking about this right now.  It’s too complicated… but I CAN share that my concerns were addressed without me manipulating someone else to address it.  I got what I needed.  I left the rest.  I feel more hopeful again.  The relief from my anxiety was almost immediate.  I can’t wait to re-read and meditate upon those passages more.

{May.9.2012}   The If Only’s

Last week, at one of the meetings i attended, we talked about what the “if only’s” were in our lives.  I really couldn’t identify any… or at least any that affect me.    Today, I have had this deep, deep anxiety.  I found myself saying, “If only I could go to meeting.” If only I had transportation.  If only the kids weren’t so loud, if only I could get some stuff done, if only… if only… it goes on and on.  The truth is, today I feel anxious.  I feel anxious.  If all those things things were “fixed” or granted, I would still feel like this.  Because this is about me, my thoughts, my feelings, and nothing outside is going to change them. 

I struggle.  I am trying to figure out if this program works with my world view.  It almost feels like a cult to me… so I am trying to figure out if what the program says and the people within it are promoting are in line with what God’s word teaches. 

I come from a very conservative Christian perspective (didn’t grow up that conservative, but have chosen that path with age).  I prefer to stay at home.  I have acknowledged that I should submit to my husband, and my husband to God, as Christ did the church.  I have wrestled with this.  One word you hear a LOT about in the program is “Me”.  I get WHY, but I am uncomfortable with it.  It feels anti-christian.  Phrases like, “I learned to take care of me.” FEELS like a contradiction.    I understand that it may be the family disease here causing me to recoil at these words.  Or, maybe it’s God saying this ain’t right.  Maybe I will end up having to adjust and redefine what it means to be in a Christian marriage.  I am confused, and that’s okay.  I’m finally slowing down and really letting all this soak in.  Easy Does It, right?  I don’t have to make any decisions about any of this today.


I also think I’m feeling a bit discouraged at myself.  At how hard this is.  At how much worse dh may get. 

I also HATE it when he says things are going to change..because they haven’t.  If he thinks he’s going to change on his own, then we are both in for a disappointment (which is most likely).  I want him to get help, to find hope… but I can’t force him. 


This is the first REALLY hard day since coming to AlAnon.

Angry Talk (Comic Style)

Angry Talk (Comic Style) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I know there was some unreasonable part of me that, was hoping that even if things never got better, that me going to Alanon and working on myself would somehow mean that at least his A wouldn’t get worse.

Then, yesterday happened.  I handled it so much better than I would have a month ago.  I guarantee that it would have ended in a huge fight, waking the kids, and both of us sick about it.    I liked this outcome much better.  I am having trouble trusting that this is all in his (and our) best interest. I’m scared somehow all of this will just make everything much, much worse.  I will think upon that and sort it out tomorrow.  I cannot tonight, I’m exhausted.

Today…. was really hard.  He woke up this morning, horny.  We made love.  Then, he said he had to catch up work.  An hour or two later, I bring him his coffee and see him watching a video online.  Turns out, he met a basketball player (famous) yesterday.  I say, “Oh, where’d you meet him?”  He says, “O’Flannely’s (a bar).”  So… he was at a bar drinking all day.  A bit later he said, “I know things have got to change.  I have a lot to work on in my life.” or something very close to that.  Then he said, “I’m going to need some support and help.”  I said, “Well, I don’t know much help I can be… but feel free to ask me and I’ll see if it’s something I am able to help you with.  I will support that you are making changes, and be your friend through it if you chose to have me as such. ” He agreed.

Suddenly, right before the baby needed a nap, he “decided to give” me the day.  Which really means that he felt like crap, so he’s going to use me as an excuse not to go to work.  It also means disruption in the routine that I am finding so very comforting.  I should have thanked him and turned him down.   But I didn’t.  Then I resented going out when I should be home.  I had plans for the laundry, the house, etc… I resent that he never makes plans ahead with me.  I resent that I don’t stand up for myself.  I resented that it meant that he hung around me all day.  Cranky, selfish, and noisy during naps. Grrr!  I resent that that meant he took two days in a row off of work, our only livelyhood that is suffering right now.

Today was the first day that I even remotely believe that loosing our income is a very real probability.  I have no skills, shotty work history, and shitty references.  I’m just not sure what job I could ever have to support us.  Furthermore, I really, really don’t want to leave my babies anywhere yet.  DAMN IT.  I am angry and I’m not sure what to do with it, as far as AlAnon is concerned!  It feels like what everyone is saying is “stuff it”, fake that you’re happy, that everything is okay.  I’m confused.  How is that helpful.  I figure I must be misunderstanding this aspect, but am struggling how to correct this.

I desperately want a sponsor.  I just had hoped to make it to another f2f group before picking.  I think I know who wants to be my sponsor, I think I know who I wish was (but she already has many sponsees).  I don’t know.  SHIT.  I am pissed…. which I think is my knee jerk reaction to feeling grief….. Grief again of that shattered alternate reality… the unreality that I though we were headed for, deserved, etc.

I certainly didn’t look like the posterchild for change today.  I hope God can blind is eyes/ blur his memory on that for me.  I HATE that Hugh knows that I am going because I feel the microscope, the pressure, and judgement coming from him.  Aaaaagggghhhhh!

It’s his business. It’s his business. It’s his business.

Al Anon is my business. my business. my business.

Anyone make subliminal tapes to that effect?

Off to bed.

{May.8.2012}   He’s back

…. and offering no thing about his whereabouts, but seeing as he buried his car into things in the back of the garage, I suppose I know… I guess.  God, this is hard and confusing. I didn’t smell any alcohol, which is weird, but I’ve got allergies AND I was trying not to  (not my business, right?). 

The good thing is, he is safe.  He is home.  He went to his bed first.  Then, came into my bed to hold my hand… which is really, really out of character.   He stayed all night and when the baby woke up this morning, she could not believer her eyes.  What was Dad doing in our bed? Strange times. Strange times.

From all the ESH I’ve heard, this may be the beginning of him disappearing for hours, days, or weeks at a time.  Or not.  So… back to Just For Today…. and One Day at a Time.

{May.7.2012}   MIA

Hugh is MIA today. He was a bit more stressed than normal, blaming the house, but that’s not that unusual. He got dressed and headed out to work for the day. Said he was going to go try and drum up some business. That was over 12 hrs ago. He hasn’t called. He hasn’t emailed or texted. Haven’t seen him working remotely on his desktop. He has the car with the carseats. Our other car is at the mechanics (I don’t even know which one). I am worried, but trying not to be. I put the kids to bed like normal (yea, me!), then tried to occupy myself with things I enjoy. Tried reading some call, sitting in on a meeting… but I am still concerned. I reached out and called someone from our group for the first time ever. She advised me to go to bed. So, I am, right after this.
In my mind, at this point, one of two things has happened: He’s hurt or dead. Or he’s going to take to disappearing as some other alcoholics do.
Oh, baby is awake. That’s my cue. Off to bed. Wish me luck at sleeping.

et cetera