{May.17.2012}   Glimpses

Every now and then, Hugh (my qualifier) and I take off our masks and we each get a glimpse of “The REAL Me” inside each one.
We spent the day with at my mom’s with her, my dad, and aunt. On these days, I attend my F2F meeting. It was a good one on choices.
We got home at bedtime (on time). The kids went right to bed.
Dh had been playing our online game for a while by the time I was ready to join him. I knew that we are, temporarily, at a place where we cannot play together without him facing a penalty. So, I put on my big (autonomous) girl panties on and let them (our buddy he was playing w) know that I would be playing on my own while they get work on their stuff. Had I not, they would have insisted I come with, but each would have resented it a little. Too clingy! So, being the mighty warrior I am (play), I went and ran a few quests by myself, and I did great! :). I wasn’t left out, because we still chatted as we played different parts of the game. We each got to see after our own “needs”. That’s a step up for me. For hours he debated aloud making “a beer run,” but didn’t.

Anyway…. We played. Then I got tired so I came here and blogged. Then I caught up on some Alanon backlog. Then I decided to drift off to sleep. That’s when my dear A husband came out to get a snack. Afterwards, insteaD of going back to game more, he came and Snuggled himself down beside me in the recliner. He pulled me close. Tucked my hair behind my ear, rubbed back, looked in to my eyes, SMILED at me…. Touched me… In a totally platonic type of way. I hadn’t been touched that way, in platonic kindness, for a very long long time. I let the words escape that I forgot how much I liked to be touched…. How good it felt to be touched as an end, not a means to one. We layed like that, looking, touching, feeling for over an hour. We went to sleep. Later, we woke up and started kissing… Something he very rarely does with me. It’s been over 6 years since we have “made out”. Even when we had my very first ever (awesome) make up sex, back in April, I we still didn’t kiss.
This time we did. A lot. He was kind and giving. He Didn’t smell like A. He took care of my needs first. Whoa. We made love. Really made love. We woke up snuggly, blushing, and giggling. Both of us. Now THAT is the man I married. It was my CHOICE. Today I am being careful not to be to clingy or fall into thinking things are better/fixed. For me, this is the “taking luck as it comes” part of that Just For Today poem.

Boy, life is complicated.


{May.4.2012}   R Words

My gratitude words for the day:

Relax- glad that I am starting to Relax instead of walking on eggshells or making myself sick with tention and struggle.

Realization- realizing the lies I’ve believed or told myself, realizing there is hope, realizing I didn’t Cause, can’t cure, and can’t change It.

Routine- I am finding routine to be such a comfort!  I thank God for guiding me to the right one for my family and I.

Reality- accepting what it IS instead of struggling for improbable or impossible fantasies.

Releasing- responsibility to my HP.  Phew, glad of it!

Return and Respite- together.  A return to my HP and the Respite that He and Alanon together have provided to me.

Robust- the hope to be strong and healthy again someday

Rock bottom- without feeling I’d hit it, I never would have found the help and hope I’ve found in Al-Anon.

Gratitude Journal

Gratitude Journal (Photo credit: limevelyn)

{April.21.2012}   First efforts

Today, I tried very hard to be happy for today. To do my best not to think ahead. When my alcoholic husband (AH) celebrated a success at work, I congratulated him with kindness. When I cooked dinner, I didn’t sweat it when he said he wanted to go to the bar to drink and eat wings to celebrate. Even though the kids and I arent feeling well. I just said, “if that’s what you want to do….” and when he pressed, suspicious, “its your life, I am not going to control you, whatever you want to do, do it. Be safe, I love you.”. To which he chuckled and said, “hmmm… That’s weird… Okay.”. It took him an hour of waffling back and forth to decide that he was going. He was so confused by it all. When it was apparent he was leaving, I asked him to give the kids a snuggle. He did, then hug and kissed them goodbye. He paused and said sulkily, “I don’t suppose you want one to,” and turned to leave. I corrected him that I did, which was met with further surprise. I gave him a very tender hug and kiss. Assuming it may be our last. I genuinely felt sympathy for the choice he was making, and sadness and empathy that he is so very sick. I honestly realize how SICK I am. This disease has brought me to the brink of crazy. While t would be difficult to find anyone to corroborate with me that AH is an alcoholic, there are oh, so many witnesses to how crazy I had
Become. Seriously.
So… Here I am. On a Friday night, alone. He has been away tonight for three hours. He is in our only working, new car. He has the only car seats with him. He is about 5 miles from home. He may hit and kill someone tonight… Maybe a child. He may get into trouble and go to jail or a body bag. He may make it home only to wet the bed.

What makes tonight different is, that at least for tonight, I have honestly released responsibility for any of that. I must believe that God will take care of us, some how, in some way, no matter what. I really am okay… Because tonight, I have met the needs of my children. I even made them feel extra special. I have taken time for myself. And I have admitted I have no control over people or places, or situations. I only have to make it one more day like this. I am going to bed in my room, with the kids, instead of staying up late or leaving my boy in his room to have to deal with an incoherent daddy when he calls out in the night. I am not staying up late to worry. I will not be calling the hospitals. I will be safe, in my room, with my kids, my dogs, and My God.
I have a feather of hope.

et cetera