alanonmama











{May.15.2012}   Mother’s Day

We had a really nice Saturday.  Spent some time gaming, hanging out with my friends (and he was cordial).  Hugh got a phone call from a former NBA pro (that he met at a bar) inviting him to play in a golf tournament with him. So, he was in a great mood. I met some people who shared my natural birth and attachment parenting views.  It was nice not to be the freak. 🙂

Sunday, however, I woke up irritated.  Hugh has started this, “Ask your Momma,” crap about EVERYTHING my kids ask of him.  It’s UBER annoying.  Kids wants want a book read? “Ask Your Momma.”  Son wants a snack?  He can be standing in the kitchen with him and I can be on the other side of the house, “Go ask your Mamma.”  Aaaah!  I am letting it drive me BONKERS.  So I wake up to hear Son ask, “Dad, can you transform (his toy) this?” “No, but Mama can.”  Which set me off be off because I can’t.  I had tried the night before, but evidently, I need a class on how to do it.  I can’t figure out how to transform the thing from a jet to a robotman and back again.  Grrr! I just don’t know how to deal with this.  It’s so unfair!  It would be easier if he wasn’t here, in that one respect.  I mind doing everything less than I mind him dodging responsibility left and right.  I mentioned to him, after Son left the room, that I was super annoyed with all of this.  He responded that since I want to control what ds eats and everything else.

To top it off, he had told me the day before that I needed to “work Mother’s Day around my bike ride.”  He had made plans with a friend to go bike riding on mother’s day.  This isn’t part of our routine… He hasn’t ridden since the fall, and he decides the day to start is Mother’s Day. REALLY?

So, I was grouchy, but most so because of my failure to be able to use the AlaTools 😉 to deal with this.  I got on one of the Mother’s Day PhoneBridge meetings.  It felt helpful.  I decided that I’m not his Mama, so it really is HIS business what he does with the day… At the same time, I can feel disappointed  because that is honest.  I tried to just focus on what I was going to do for MY mother.  BUT, within minutes he comes back and gets all over me, in a very nasty tone with exaggerated gestures.  I got sucked right in.  Then I got unreasonable and irritated.  I started growling at the him, the kids, etc.. It was not pretty.  Then I had to suck it up and go to church like that.  SUCKED.  God KICKED MY BUTT, for which I am grateful.  Humbled, I returned home with my family, ready to try and have a good day. I mentioned to dh that I was a bit irritated that he was going out on mother’s day.  I also told him I didn’t know if it was right of me to ask him not to go, but that I felt like that.  He rescheduled.  I felt a bit odd about it, but he assured me he was fine with it.  Maybe the church service kicked him too?

We had a great rest of the day… Even though I had to do 100% of the housework to prepare for company.  Hugh DID fix my mother a special (labor intensive) meal.  I am grateful for it.  The rest of it… by the wayside I suppose.    In the end, I was glad of the time he spent with us and the time I spent with my mother.

The next morning, my husband confessed he was upset that I had been able to clean up the house so quickly and nicely for my mother, but not for him.

I told him that I hadn’t.  I’d done it for me.  I also encouraged him to consider that it was easy to clean quickly because I had been keeping on top of things.  A lot more than he thinks.  The truth is, it would have taken ALL DAY to get it to that place before I found the housekeeping program that works for me (motivatedmoms).   I let him know that I even had time to clean the drawers in the fridge before they came over.  That kinda leisure time would not have been found before nor would I have even thought to do it at all.    I KNOW I am making progress.  THAT feels great. 🙂   I understand that because of his disease he isn’t able to notice or think clearly about anyone or anything right now.  My progress escapes him.  I think, for now, I am frozen in his mind as a disappointment and source of pain for him.  He can’t see me differently for more than an instant here or there.  I am more okay with that today than B4 AlAnon, because I understand that it’s more important what I think and feel about myself.

Mother’s Day has to be hard on him, too… he has such complicated feelings about his A mother.

Happy..Happy.. Mother's Day :-)..

Happy..Happy.. Mother’s Day :-).. (Photo credit: Thai Jasmine (Smile..smile…Smile..))

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