alanonmama











{May.9.2012}   The If Only’s

Last week, at one of the meetings i attended, we talked about what the “if only’s” were in our lives.  I really couldn’t identify any… or at least any that affect me.    Today, I have had this deep, deep anxiety.  I found myself saying, “If only I could go to meeting.” If only I had transportation.  If only the kids weren’t so loud, if only I could get some stuff done, if only… if only… it goes on and on.  The truth is, today I feel anxious.  I feel anxious.  If all those things things were “fixed” or granted, I would still feel like this.  Because this is about me, my thoughts, my feelings, and nothing outside is going to change them. 

I struggle.  I am trying to figure out if this program works with my world view.  It almost feels like a cult to me… so I am trying to figure out if what the program says and the people within it are promoting are in line with what God’s word teaches. 

I come from a very conservative Christian perspective (didn’t grow up that conservative, but have chosen that path with age).  I prefer to stay at home.  I have acknowledged that I should submit to my husband, and my husband to God, as Christ did the church.  I have wrestled with this.  One word you hear a LOT about in the program is “Me”.  I get WHY, but I am uncomfortable with it.  It feels anti-christian.  Phrases like, “I learned to take care of me.” FEELS like a contradiction.    I understand that it may be the family disease here causing me to recoil at these words.  Or, maybe it’s God saying this ain’t right.  Maybe I will end up having to adjust and redefine what it means to be in a Christian marriage.  I am confused, and that’s okay.  I’m finally slowing down and really letting all this soak in.  Easy Does It, right?  I don’t have to make any decisions about any of this today.

 

I also think I’m feeling a bit discouraged at myself.  At how hard this is.  At how much worse dh may get. 

I also HATE it when he says things are going to change..because they haven’t.  If he thinks he’s going to change on his own, then we are both in for a disappointment (which is most likely).  I want him to get help, to find hope… but I can’t force him. 

 

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