{May.9.2012}   First… I know it won’t be the last

This is the first REALLY hard day since coming to AlAnon.

Angry Talk (Comic Style)

Angry Talk (Comic Style) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I know there was some unreasonable part of me that, was hoping that even if things never got better, that me going to Alanon and working on myself would somehow mean that at least his A wouldn’t get worse.

Then, yesterday happened.  I handled it so much better than I would have a month ago.  I guarantee that it would have ended in a huge fight, waking the kids, and both of us sick about it.    I liked this outcome much better.  I am having trouble trusting that this is all in his (and our) best interest. I’m scared somehow all of this will just make everything much, much worse.  I will think upon that and sort it out tomorrow.  I cannot tonight, I’m exhausted.

Today…. was really hard.  He woke up this morning, horny.  We made love.  Then, he said he had to catch up work.  An hour or two later, I bring him his coffee and see him watching a video online.  Turns out, he met a basketball player (famous) yesterday.  I say, “Oh, where’d you meet him?”  He says, “O’Flannely’s (a bar).”  So… he was at a bar drinking all day.  A bit later he said, “I know things have got to change.  I have a lot to work on in my life.” or something very close to that.  Then he said, “I’m going to need some support and help.”  I said, “Well, I don’t know much help I can be… but feel free to ask me and I’ll see if it’s something I am able to help you with.  I will support that you are making changes, and be your friend through it if you chose to have me as such. ” He agreed.

Suddenly, right before the baby needed a nap, he “decided to give” me the day.  Which really means that he felt like crap, so he’s going to use me as an excuse not to go to work.  It also means disruption in the routine that I am finding so very comforting.  I should have thanked him and turned him down.   But I didn’t.  Then I resented going out when I should be home.  I had plans for the laundry, the house, etc… I resent that he never makes plans ahead with me.  I resent that I don’t stand up for myself.  I resented that it meant that he hung around me all day.  Cranky, selfish, and noisy during naps. Grrr!  I resent that that meant he took two days in a row off of work, our only livelyhood that is suffering right now.

Today was the first day that I even remotely believe that loosing our income is a very real probability.  I have no skills, shotty work history, and shitty references.  I’m just not sure what job I could ever have to support us.  Furthermore, I really, really don’t want to leave my babies anywhere yet.  DAMN IT.  I am angry and I’m not sure what to do with it, as far as AlAnon is concerned!  It feels like what everyone is saying is “stuff it”, fake that you’re happy, that everything is okay.  I’m confused.  How is that helpful.  I figure I must be misunderstanding this aspect, but am struggling how to correct this.

I desperately want a sponsor.  I just had hoped to make it to another f2f group before picking.  I think I know who wants to be my sponsor, I think I know who I wish was (but she already has many sponsees).  I don’t know.  SHIT.  I am pissed…. which I think is my knee jerk reaction to feeling grief….. Grief again of that shattered alternate reality… the unreality that I though we were headed for, deserved, etc.

I certainly didn’t look like the posterchild for change today.  I hope God can blind is eyes/ blur his memory on that for me.  I HATE that Hugh knows that I am going because I feel the microscope, the pressure, and judgement coming from him.  Aaaaagggghhhhh!

It’s his business. It’s his business. It’s his business.

Al Anon is my business. my business. my business.

Anyone make subliminal tapes to that effect?

Off to bed.


Thank you for sharing, on behalf of all of us who have days that are shitty beyond belief. I’m glad you’re working your program. Please keep sharing.

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