alanonmama











{April.24.2012}   conflicted

Yeah, I knew it. He went out and drank with a business buddy (who has played a part in a crisis before). Then, he came for less than an hour and went right back out to get a pack of beer (roll eyes).

So how did I do?

Not stellar, but not a complete failure, either

I am finding two things really difficult.

1.) I am still finding myself angry at his choice to start drinking way back when. I am having a hard time really committing to heart that this isn’t a choice. It’s harder than I thought, because for so long he has been telling me he has control over it. It’s his choice (so that I can’t boss him around), etc…

2.) I’m having a hard time knowing what to do/how to feel/be when his drinking interferes unfairly with the kids’ and my activities.

;

He left to go to work on a job at 3pm. I was being very productive around the house and with our children’s schooling. A full day of preschool and a full list with everything checked off by the end of my “work day.” I had been looking forward to a reward of playing our online game with him, as a reward to myself for such a stellar day. My AH had asked me to defrost these massive steaks we’d been hoarding. I had pulled them out the night before and told him so. I call him at 5pm to get an ETA, though, I guess I knew (based on his cohort) he probably was out drinking. He says, “Oh, honey! I am out with Mr. B eating.” I remind him of the steaks and he feels a bit stupid, but unwilling to change his plans (which feels like a big “Screw you, wife and kids!”). He promises to be home before the kid’s bedtime to fix the steaks. I let him know that I would have to find something other to eat because the kids and I were hungry. I hang up. YEAH RIGHT! I know what would happen if if he did come home on time- he would grill them to hot/fast and then have to finish them in the oven and it would take another hour past the kids bedtime to eat. I starting thinking, frustrated, and realized I had never cooked a steak (or much of anything else) on a grill by myself. I realized I wasn’t as frustrated with his drinking (I’m doing pretty good at giving that to him and God), as I was with my helplessness. So… I googled how to use a propane grill. I also read how to cook the perfect steaks. I did it- and I even ended up with at least one of them being perfectly medium rare. AWESOMENESS. 🙂 I sent him a pic and told him not to worry about dinner. He could cook his steak (I dind’t want to mess it up- it’s a rare 2.5″ er for us) whenever he wanted. He promised to be home by bedtime. I didn’t count on it, and had the kids routine finished 1/2hr late. I proceeded to put them to bed (they have to go at the same time or one will wake the other up). Just as the baby fell asleep he strode in, noisy and annoying. I was “cool”/nonchalant about his drinking, but a bit irritated that my nearly asleep babe is now waving hi to dad and excited out of it. Then, he quickly finished putting the boy to bed. I once again, just get the babe to sleep and he comes stomping through headed to go get beer. The sound of him leaving most certainly wakes a not-quite asleep baby. When this happens, it becomes difficult for me. Baby has nursed herself full, but didn’t fall asleep. She’s teething, so would like to nurse herself to sleep, but if and when she tries, her belly gets uncomfortably full and then she can’t and gets fussy, etc… etc… etc… which makes me want to SCREAM because it HURTS to nurse for 3 hours. I was irritated. He ended up playing with someone else (an old BAD influence buddy), and, when I got baby down finally at 10:30 (3.5 hrs late), I felt really cheated. It was hard not to feel upset.

Today Today the kids are sick. It’s Tuesday. My meeting is Wednesday. I’m not sure how/if I can make it. We’ll see



{April.23.2012}   Counting his days

Is it wrong to keep count of how long he can go without (me knowing of) him drinking? Perhaps. But for now, until I work that out, I want to. I just do.

Its Monday. He hasn’t drank since Friday night. Saturday he was an absolute bear. Sunday, for untold reasons, I was one too. Bear in this case = super irritable. When he is sober, I think he must feel like everything is insurmountable. If there is any obstacle to any activity, any hiccup in a relationship, he has this mantra, “F it. I’m done,” or “F you. I’m done.”. Quit before failing. Quit before someone gives up on you. Then he follows it with an ,”I don’t care!” which to me says he does care and is scared of hurting himself, others, or being hurt.

Last night he surprised me with NOT drinking while we gamed. It’s a very rare thing, indeed. I was reminded of the Today meditation… The one about luck. So I took it as that. I was happy that on that night, in that moment, I didn’t have work hard on recovery. I was still mindful of it and practicing some new things, but it was easier. We had fun. Our online buddy was drinking some wine. John wished aloud that he had some beer. Said he might go get some later. Later never came, but he wrestled with it, and before he decided to go to bed he seemed to resent me a bit. Because, you know, its easy to demonize me as evil for wanting to control him (I.e. wishing him well!)

Tonight’s the night… And I keep finding myself dreading it. I’m trying not to… It’s just one of my trouble spots right now.

I can say that I already love Al Anon, and believe god is using it to save my life.



{April.21.2012}   Hes home and all is calm

He came home, and I was pleasant, congratulated him again, told him goodnight and we are all now in bed without a fight for the first time in I don’t know how long. Feels AWESOME. Still sad that he came home drunk, driving and all that… But he is home and apparently everyone is safe tonight.



{April.21.2012}   First efforts

Today, I tried very hard to be happy for today. To do my best not to think ahead. When my alcoholic husband (AH) celebrated a success at work, I congratulated him with kindness. When I cooked dinner, I didn’t sweat it when he said he wanted to go to the bar to drink and eat wings to celebrate. Even though the kids and I arent feeling well. I just said, “if that’s what you want to do….” and when he pressed, suspicious, “its your life, I am not going to control you, whatever you want to do, do it. Be safe, I love you.”. To which he chuckled and said, “hmmm… That’s weird… Okay.”. It took him an hour of waffling back and forth to decide that he was going. He was so confused by it all. When it was apparent he was leaving, I asked him to give the kids a snuggle. He did, then hug and kissed them goodbye. He paused and said sulkily, “I don’t suppose you want one to,” and turned to leave. I corrected him that I did, which was met with further surprise. I gave him a very tender hug and kiss. Assuming it may be our last. I genuinely felt sympathy for the choice he was making, and sadness and empathy that he is so very sick. I honestly realize how SICK I am. This disease has brought me to the brink of crazy. While t would be difficult to find anyone to corroborate with me that AH is an alcoholic, there are oh, so many witnesses to how crazy I had
Become. Seriously.
So… Here I am. On a Friday night, alone. He has been away tonight for three hours. He is in our only working, new car. He has the only car seats with him. He is about 5 miles from home. He may hit and kill someone tonight… Maybe a child. He may get into trouble and go to jail or a body bag. He may make it home only to wet the bed.

What makes tonight different is, that at least for tonight, I have honestly released responsibility for any of that. I must believe that God will take care of us, some how, in some way, no matter what. I really am okay… Because tonight, I have met the needs of my children. I even made them feel extra special. I have taken time for myself. And I have admitted I have no control over people or places, or situations. I only have to make it one more day like this. I am going to bed in my room, with the kids, instead of staying up late or leaving my boy in his room to have to deal with an incoherent daddy when he calls out in the night. I am not staying up late to worry. I will not be calling the hospitals. I will be safe, in my room, with my kids, my dogs, and My God.
I have a feather of hope.
Goodnight.



et cetera